I´m sort of having one of those days, one of those days when I have to force myself to remember who and what is and isn´t important or significant. I have to remind myself of who i am, what i´ve accomplished, and the fact that only I can and will do what´s right for me. Oh pity party. I think I´m done now =)

I honestly don’t know what I have to say about this place anymore. I love it, I’m comfortable here, I do know I’ll be challenged, and I have so much to see. I feel like I’ve lost the ability to put into words though. I may just be having one of those days, but I feel like I’ve left home, and that’s that. Yes, my family misses me, and I do miss them. But after doing this traveling, and I know it’s not a lot by some standards, I feel like I could live anywhere in the world comfortably. Granted, I live pretty luxuriously compared to some here, but I know I could do with less. I even still have my computer, no connection, but there’s an internet café for that. But I have everything I need. Less of a social life definitely, and I really really need to start those Spanish lessons. When I first got here I would ask myself what the hell I was doing here, like really. Some are getting school credit, even government cash to do so. For others this is genuinely their life’s work. I don’t think what I do isn’t valuable; I just want to make the most out of it. I definitely have a vision for myself and what I want to leave with, it’s just all getting to a slow start. Which is good, I think I needed a bit of a slowdown, although I’m not too sure how to incorporate that into real life. I don’t know what real life will be, and I think that’s made traveling all that much easier, because I don’t really have much established to return to. I like the pace, I like the family living, I love the language. I think that’s one of my things. I haven’t started lessons yet and that sort of frustrates me, although another volunteer has given me reason to fear them. One on one lessons kind of frighten me. My weakness so far is speaking, not hearing or reading and understanding. I’ve been able to communicate myself all right when I can take a few minutes to check words, and slap together a sentence, one idea at a time, but I’m sure I sound hilarious.

I just texted someone I would miss them, and I probably won’t. No, I know I won’t. But I still want to hear they’ll miss me. Selfish much? Naw, just like the attention I guess. He’s a complete jerk, so no break in the pattern there for me. Maybe I just like a challenge? And once again, it’s all a game…enough about people that don’t matter…

I leave for the airport in about oooh…5 hours. Just finished the last minute shopping. I have far, far, far less luggage than I though I would. Well, not luggage bags, but stuff in bags. Who knew I’d ever learn to pack? That being said I know there are things I’ll have to buy once I get there, no big deal. I’m doing the last minute OMG thing at the moment…and I’m starting to realize how long I will be gone. I think maybe I have to stop thinking and get back to work…

Jen in Peru

I’ve started a new blog (surprise?) to do the travel blog thing while I’m in Peru. This one was supposed to originally be a travel blog for England, but that really never happened, either time. Which is fine, it’s my way of choosing to not remember things! I thought about just adding entries to this one and directing people to it, but that would definitely not be a good idea. I’ll likely still blog here, I don’t feel like I can get all that personal on jeninperu. I’m supposed to be packing right now but I’m really just exhausted. I still really don’t feel like I’m traveling tomorrow. I’m doing some laundry. I need to get meds from the store (cuz the whole traveller’s diarrhea thing is inevitable). But I’m pretty much set.

I don’t live here

My clean laundry is in a crumpled heap inside a basket at the end of the hall. Before it goes back into my rucksack, it doesn’t have a home. Like me. Nothing wrong with that. It feels good to be in my parents’ house, it’s clean and comfortable, spacey and bright, unlike the rooms I’ve inhabited the entire length of my degree. About 20 relatives live less than two minutes away. Comforting in its own way. I’ve done nothing but sit on my ass since getting back. Partly because I don’t like being outside in this town, partly because my car keeps getting taken away.

I’ve sorted out my packing list. I’ve sort out (in a very spastic way) my money and credit cards. I’ve learned a few spanish phrases and words. Most importantly “I’m sorry, I don’t speak much Spanish”. I’m leaving on a jet plane.

Well seeing as I’m paying about a gazillion dollars for this internet connection at heathrow, I might as well use it (it was a set-up! I swear!). I’d rather write in a journal but here I am. I’m leaving, again. In with a whimper, out with one. Which isn’t to say I didn’t have a spectacular time here, I really did. It would hit me every couple days. OMG I’m in ENGLAND again. How the hell did this happen?? This is all the realization of my daydreams of this past dreary winter. I remember chatting excitedly to my starbucks co-workers about how awesome England is and how I just HAVE to go back, etc etc. It was great, really it was. I won’t for a second think it was a mistake. Since getting back from my exchange 18 months ago, I’ve thought of little else. I needed to know what there was for me here. I needed closure. I have it, for the most part. My feelings about this country have for the most part, changed. Traveling to continental Europe for the first time definitely had a hand in that. Previously, London was as ‘European’ a lifestyle as I had experienced. Plymouth is more like…a coastal party college town, the equivalent to an American one I can’t think of. Everything’s so so different on the continent. I don’t know if different =  better in most cases, but definitely in some. It’s just so…laid back. I don’t know if I can explain it properly, but anyone who has been knows immediately what I mean. Why can’t Canada be a member state of the EU?? haha.

I miss Canada. I really do. I miss my family, but I don’t know what homesickness is. At the moment it’s being able to sleep in a clean bed of my own with clean sheets. Oh wait, I don’t even have a mattress of my own at my parents’. All of my stuff is still in the city, which I’ll have to move before I leave to Peru. Oh yeah, I’m going to Peru. I cannot imagine the extent to which my credit cards will be maxed at the end of this summer. Nightmare! But I told myself before starting this all that it would be worth it. It has been so far. I’ve learned that in situations where I’d previously absolutely LOSE IT emotionally, I can hold on and sort it out, if the person involved is willing. I don’t know that has all that much to do with travel, but has played a part in the whole closure issue. I’m not sure what else I can put a finger on that I’ve learned. Words are insufficient put a image to these things. These people, these places. I really hope I can sleep on this flight. I am going to be so messed up.

sick sick sicky. I haven’t been sick for ages but when I am it knocks me on my ass. And it’s not even particularly bad. And I haven’t taken anything except neocitran plus some additional acetaminophen. My favourite! It’s so easy to be negative when I’m sick. I had immunizations today, and was/am actually considering the pros/cons of getting an anti-malarial and traveling around as opposed to staying in high altitude areas not at risk for malaria. What is my problem? I know I have like…no money, and so am living on borrowed time here, for being a slacker throughout school, but the reason I’m doing this is because it IS now or never. I leave for England in 6 days. In 7 days I’ll be hopefully sound asleep on my friend’s couch. Anyway, now that I’m experiencing a moment of clarity and my head doesn’t hurt so much, it’s time to pretty myself up to stay up all night! I have my last shift tomorrow. Sad. I said goodbye to my manager yesterday, who is amazing, by the way, and she said “hey, if you ever move back and need a job, come see me” to which I was very grateful, considering if it was my last manager I’d be snide and think “are you kidding, I’ve got a BACHELOR’S degree, we don’t work at Starbucks” (which isn’t true, I work with people who have them and will be getting them yet continuing to work there). It’s a fallback I hopefully never have to use. I love my job, but that wage so just doesn’t cut it…at all.

It’s official, I own too much crap. I leave on month-long vacay/end of school celebration/drunkfest/reunion in a week + 12 hours. Yet my room is still a mess, I haven’t packed a thing, and I have a fairly large exam to study for. I am pooched. In happier news, my last work shift is on Saturday, sadly an open for which I will show up for unashamedly hungover. I’ll miss the free coffee, the discount, and some people, but I will not miss the drama inevitable from a girl only staff.

Anyway, I think maybe maybe maybe I’ll get some more cleaning done before I collapse asleep…

I’m trying to decide the best way not to waste today. It’s my last day off before eight. straight. days. of work. This, from a workplace that frowns upon more than 5 shifts in the mon-sun period. bah. But I have bills to pay! Honestly, if I hadn’t gotten a job, I really don’t know what my financial state would be. I had coffee this morning with one of my co-workers from the summer. It’s so weird to go back to former workplaces. I guess it’s only been two months, but it feels like everything’s different, but exactly the same. I’m not a really big fan of downtown Winnipeg. It is, well, ugly.

I’m done midterms though! Which explains why I have some time off and must now work my ass of to make up for it. To make the most of today, I should work on my homework, neglected because of midterms. Probably won’t. I am, however, listening to BBC Radio 1 (womanizer-womanizer-womanizer), as I’ve been doing lately. I forgot how much I missed that accent. I did a few dishes, mine mostly. I’m a bitch like that. Picked up my room a bit. And I suppose I’m going shopping. Not for me… but must resist the urge to whip out my new credit card. Yes, that makes four. *sigh. Don’t worry, I’m not a balance carrier, but it makes it kind of difficult to have any paycheque after they’re due…

these latter days…

Honestly, I am ridiculously bad at this blog thing…and oh, I’ve only had at least one for…five years now? Sad that the best bits were really never written about. Maybe not the best, but for sure the most important ones. So here I go again. Unimportantly, I can no longer say “look Ma, no cavities!” I definitely broke a tooth flossing last week, before my dentist appointment (the only time I ever floss) and then they found a genuine cavity as well. Depressing. It’s a harrowing experience if you’ve never done it before. And, god do I hate that frozen feeling. The round up…

I’m currently reading the Twilight series, or whatever it’s called. Yeah, tweeny, I know. Not lacking in sexual tension, but definitely lacking in sex. Oh, the teen years. Listening to Over the Rhine, randomly came across them on last.fm. Planning on being Alice in Wonderland for Halloween. Also planning on being sober. Not sure how that one’s going to work itself out. Working at my favouritest job ever. Seriously nothing I don’t love about it. Except for that I have to work the morning after Halloween . Feeling like I have several boys in the balance. All of which culminates to nothing, in the end, and inevitably. It is me, after all. And no one ever texts/calls when I want them to. (Like I said…me!) Missing people and places like crazy. Blaming facebook for all my problems. Finally done midterms. Only to start worrying about assignments due next week, and then can worry about finals.

I’m starting to think that I’ve lost the ability to be nervous or scared. I have felt neither in the last little while. (even when pretty much in danger, but I’ve found I just…act, rather than freak) Things go wrong, I tear up. But nothing’s gone wrong. I wasn’t even scared for getting fillings. I was all, “Let’s get this fucking done so I don’t have to make another trip home for it”…my exams don’t faze me in the least. I’ve had the last five days off work, it’s been amazing. But Thursday, it’ll be back to a haze of coffee/sleep/school. I wish me luck.