Much Farther To Go

Well, I have new shoes. They’re nothing special. But they were cheap! Yay for spring sales. Unfortunately, it’s only January 27. At least two full months until the weather will start to show signs of being kind. Although, today it was only -8. Which I found to be pretty balmy. Strange what you can get used to. My room though, seems to hover around the same temperature. Which at first I was fine with, the frozen nights, cold tipped nose, but now I find myself a little resentful, and that’s good! Mostly because I was trying too hard to be okay with my life right now. There’s no reason why I have to accept the way things are going.

I’ve been in the library for say…three hours now? Only had two teas and an oat fudge square from the ‘bucks, not bad. But I’ve only accomplished the Chapter 13 questions, for which I had one eye on the answers the entire time. It’s mostly bullshit anyway, we’re supposed to do questions that the chapter doesn’t teach how to answer. Whatever, such is the life of an accountant in training.

I need a job and I need new shoes. What if my life won’t be what I pictured? Why should my life be what I have pictured? My visions are from age 20, 21, 22…and even now looking back I knew nothing. The only common thing I valued at each age was…money, and to some extent freedom and independence, although the definition of each has changed with each passing season. I think it used to mean being able to make choices within that closed world I was living in. Now, at this moment, if only for this second, it means to be able to be utterly alone and still happy. To be able to choose the life that makes me most happy, anywhere in the world. I don’t know why I always resolve to be okay if suddenly left alone (especially given my tendency to cling to a good thing if it comes by) Preparation for the worst case scenario maybe? But I know it’s a completely viable choice to surround myself with people right now, but I’d have to be the worst kind of person to do so, a fake. I suppose that’s why I need to be okay alone, because I will wait until I find people who love me for me and who I am now, and love me for it, not in spite of it.

I cry entirely too much. Admittedly over something that, in my moments of clarity, I don’t care much for anymore. All along, all this time, I’ve associated everything, my evolution, my self-doubting, my loving and leaving of lands far away, on my failed relationship. That bullshit really should stop here and now. Needless to say, I haven’t exactly asserted myself as an “independent woman,” at least not as I see her in my head. I think I was doing this because it was a personification of my changes. As if I could get angry at this one person because Canada’s so shit, or the fact that I’ve changed too much to be on friendly terms with the same old places, people and situations. I need to get fucking sorted!

So, what I’ve been doing all day has involved these things. My space heater and cups of coffee and tea.

So I’ve watched the entire series of Bob and Rose, which I have adored. You can go here to watch them. Along with a few episodes of House and the movie Juno. Sad day, huh?

Having a camera on my cellphone is still quite a novelty for me, so I pretty much take random pictures like this all the time…it’s my nalgene in a school cafeteria. good times.

I’ve been writing my brains out for a few months. Well, maybe not so regularly, but definitely whenever the mood struck me, which has been quite often. I thought it would make me feel better, but now all I have is a journal full of pages that I can’t bring myself to read, as well as a better recollection of events I’d rather have fade into lost memories. I told myself when I had turned around on my ‘bad mood’, I’d tape up this journal, to be opened at a time when I can actually read the pages and not feel the hurt and disappointment that went into every page, every word, when I can’t see my pained expressions as I wrote what I did. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that writing it out, all of it, hasn’t made me feel better, improved my thoughts, none of it. It made it all a little more nightmarish I think. Know what? Never mind…back to “studying”…

Alright then. I just opened my macbook for the third time since telling myself I was going to sleep now. I didn’t think much at all this weekend, and really not a lot these past two weeks anyway, and the night seems to be the time when it all wants to come out.

I used to have this theory of sorts, or maybe just a comforting thought, that only a certain amount of bad things can happen to you before it all turns around, and something nice happens, something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Well, it’s been a while now, really. And, I’m okay. I’m not not okay. Bad things do keep happening. And I’ve gotten to the point where I just need something good to happen, something to make sense in my life. At the moment I’m just going through what I’ve planned for myself. I was registered in these classes ages ago, so I must attend them. I set out to get a major in accounting years ago, so I guess I should finish that. But, what if I just don’t feel like it anymore. And what if I don’t know if I’ll feel that way forever? I can’t just walk away from a career decision before it’s even happened. I know I’m going to have to love this if I want to go through with the whole thing. I don’t know if I can love it here, though. But lately everything seems to require a whole lot of effort. Not a lot of people know how I feel, and that’s okay. If you go through your life never telling anyone the truth about your unhappiness, and it goes away, and you hardly remember it, did the unhappiness ever happen?

I changed, a lot, when I lived in England. But it feels like everything, and everyone here, stayed the same. Which is sort of disappointing, but I’m sure they’ll have their time to experience things and change, too. And I don’t feel like I’ve left them behind, I feel like I’ve been left behind, even though that is so not the case.

Can something genuinely nice just happen to me now, please?

I’ve been in this almost two and half month long…funk, I guess you could call it. I’m nowhere closer to understanding it now than I was when it started. Okay, well I understand why it started, I just can’t comprehend why it won’t go away. I’ve changed from the always-happy person, to the never-happy one. Or, at least, I don’t think I used to be like this. It’s hard to tell anymore.

I like New Year’s. It may be my favorite holiday. Not because of the booze fueled randomness, or the ability to walk up to anyone and kiss them at midnight (although that’s admittedly fun). I’ve always been big on lists, goals, even though I don’t often write them down. So new year’s comes along, and there’s this…idea of starting fresh, the same way as on your birthday you’re supposed to feel a year older. If only New Year’s Day could separate you from all the things you’d like to leave behind that happened the previous year. But that’s the thing about me, I find it hard to have or hold regrets. I don’t have them. It’s weird to think about the past year though. My memory keeps getting worse, and now I sometimes consciously try to ingrain certain moments into my mind, knowing if I don’t it may as well have not happened. Really, at new year’s last year, I had no way of guessing how much I would change. I don’t know what me last year would think of me now.