Alright then. I just opened my macbook for the third time since telling myself I was going to sleep now. I didn’t think much at all this weekend, and really not a lot these past two weeks anyway, and the night seems to be the time when it all wants to come out.
I used to have this theory of sorts, or maybe just a comforting thought, that only a certain amount of bad things can happen to you before it all turns around, and something nice happens, something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Well, it’s been a while now, really. And, I’m okay. I’m not not okay. Bad things do keep happening. And I’ve gotten to the point where I just need something good to happen, something to make sense in my life. At the moment I’m just going through what I’ve planned for myself. I was registered in these classes ages ago, so I must attend them. I set out to get a major in accounting years ago, so I guess I should finish that. But, what if I just don’t feel like it anymore. And what if I don’t know if I’ll feel that way forever? I can’t just walk away from a career decision before it’s even happened. I know I’m going to have to love this if I want to go through with the whole thing. I don’t know if I can love it here, though. But lately everything seems to require a whole lot of effort. Not a lot of people know how I feel, and that’s okay. If you go through your life never telling anyone the truth about your unhappiness, and it goes away, and you hardly remember it, did the unhappiness ever happen?
I changed, a lot, when I lived in England. But it feels like everything, and everyone here, stayed the same. Which is sort of disappointing, but I’m sure they’ll have their time to experience things and change, too. And I don’t feel like I’ve left them behind, I feel like I’ve been left behind, even though that is so not the case.
Can something genuinely nice just happen to me now, please?
Leave a Reply