Much Farther To Go

I need a job and I need new shoes. What if my life won’t be what I pictured? Why should my life be what I have pictured? My visions are from age 20, 21, 22…and even now looking back I knew nothing. The only common thing I valued at each age was…money, and to some extent freedom and independence, although the definition of each has changed with each passing season. I think it used to mean being able to make choices within that closed world I was living in. Now, at this moment, if only for this second, it means to be able to be utterly alone and still happy. To be able to choose the life that makes me most happy, anywhere in the world. I don’t know why I always resolve to be okay if suddenly left alone (especially given my tendency to cling to a good thing if it comes by) Preparation for the worst case scenario maybe? But I know it’s a completely viable choice to surround myself with people right now, but I’d have to be the worst kind of person to do so, a fake. I suppose that’s why I need to be okay alone, because I will wait until I find people who love me for me and who I am now, and love me for it, not in spite of it.

I cry entirely too much. Admittedly over something that, in my moments of clarity, I don’t care much for anymore. All along, all this time, I’ve associated everything, my evolution, my self-doubting, my loving and leaving of lands far away, on my failed relationship. That bullshit really should stop here and now. Needless to say, I haven’t exactly asserted myself as an “independent woman,” at least not as I see her in my head. I think I was doing this because it was a personification of my changes. As if I could get angry at this one person because Canada’s so shit, or the fact that I’ve changed too much to be on friendly terms with the same old places, people and situations. I need to get fucking sorted!