Much Farther To Go

Hiya. WordPress seems to have gotten their shiz together, so there’s really no excuse for not writing. And I always hate forgetting what’s gone on, and I wish I were better at this. What I’ve tried to write these past few days (and subsequently was lost in the land between firefox refreshes) is that I’m over it. Read the rest of this entry »

I am an emotional writer. I always have been. I get really passionate (read:emotional) about something, and I feel I need to get it out. If it’s too personal, you can bet I’ve written about it in a journal somewhere. So that usually means no one sees it. Then, a few hours later, I’ve recovered, I’m back on an even keel. I’d self diagnose bipolar, but I never get as happy as I do depressed. I’ve kind of changed my mind about being unhappy though. There are things that I let myself be unhappy about, because I can do something about them, Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Bridget finds out that Daniel has met the girl he was cheating on her with before. She mutters under her breath at the realization “Silly Bridget, you haven’t only just met her,” as an admonition to herself for believing the best in someone and for foolishly hoping that what she had was real. Okay, maybe I’ve read a bit too much into that scene/relationship, but, what do I whisper to myself when I come crashing down to earth after a nice little daydream? “silly bridget” or “silly Jen” in my best Renee Zellweger British accent. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve given up on homework at this point, didn’t have that high expectations in the first place. I will chalk up my accomplishment for the day being running 3 miles at 32:30, which I was proud of until I started looking up others’ times online, but whatever, I haven’t done it since summer, and have only been doing 2 miles at a time until today. But I figured my horrible weekend combined with the holiday made me miss two runs, I should just go for it. I don’t think I want to go much under that time though, I want to increase distance instead. Yay, I can feel the pain already. I know it’s silly, but I feel like this is an actual thing in my life I can control for once. I don’t have a lot of that.

Good god, tomorrow I’m going home. That is if my car starts. If I want to make the effort to try and get it to. I hate taking the bus, but if it’s all I have, it’s usually doable!

So, well, the veg thing didn’t really stick. I’m not going to blame it on my lack of reasons I felt justified to give though. I’m going to blame it on myself never being able to tell people, “BECAUSE why, shut the fuck up.” I always feel the goddamn need to explain myself so as to reach some level of acceptance. So I’ll blame that on myself too, cuz I could easily cut down my friends so that they could accept what I say without doubt for once. (Whew, barely made it through that sentence without cursing) So, while I’ve eaten meat in meals offered to me, and ordered a bit while SEVERELY hungover, I still won’t go as far as buying any to prepare myself. There’s no need really! The ethics assignment I’m working on now could be giving me reasons, but I’m not completely buying into the argument the author is making. I’m no PETA advocate. Can’t my answer just be ‘because’?? Can’t I just be the logical one?

I am a mope! Well, that’s what I can say when I’m in an okay mood, and when I’m not, I look up symptoms of depression…and then usually decide that I’m just being a mope…

The trouble with being all vague on here is not knowing what I was talking about when I come back to update. This weekend was a rough one. Friday was not great, as nights out go. Add to that one of the worst hangovers I’ve had, which meant staying in bed all day Saturday, and that makes for a bad weekend. So I spent most of this weekend not seeing or talking to anyone. Partying doesn’t really count, it doesn’t feel that social. I’ve put it together that when I lack human contact and have nothing to do but homework, I can end up going fairly insane. I end up hating everything about my life, and longing for the days when I was nothing but positive and couldn’t understand how anyone could be in a bad mood. I’ve also put it together that those were days when I was in constant contact with friends, family and, dare I say it, customers. People make me happy, I can’t live without them, even when some piss me off. For me it’s not about getting attention, it’s about giving it, and getting the feedback from that.

Now that I’ve seen my best friend off at the airport, probably to be rarely heard from for four months, I’m definitely friend-poor. I’m sort of alone in a house where I have 6 roommates. Everyone’s busy and I’m not. I don’t have a job, and I should, and I don’t struggle with coursework. I hate these moods, they make me cry on the bus.

I can only check my facebook so many times before I figure I have to get on with it. I’m looking for a summer job, and writing cover letters are the worst worst part for me. I mean, I’m glad I’m not stuck in the same job, and that I have all these options open to me, I just hate writing about how fan-fucking-tastic I really am, and how they should hire me. I’m so restless at the moment. If had any food in my cupboards I would have eaten it all. I’m not kidding. I had a sidekick for lunch, (almost had microwave popcorn) and am contemplating (more) toast and peanut butter. My mom would freak if she knew how I’m eating. hah. I think I need a nap. I probably won’t. I need to write some things out, but not here, because I’d come across all mental, and people would worry. I’ll let you know what my conclusions are, no worries.

Ugh, it’s Valentine’s Day, but I’m not really here to complain about that, although that’s what this might turn into. I came to school to study today, and haven’t gotten much done. Don’t quite know what to blame it on. Having my computer with me would be a good start…I should really have this thing taken away…OH but I was listening to Radio 1, and they played this amazing song, which at first I wasn’t too too impressed with, but these lyrics caught my ear:

I will never love you more than singing in the shower
I will never love you more than my Mac computer
I will never love you more than having a daughter
I will never love you more than peanut butter

First because my macbook is my life, and second cuz I’ve been eating a LOT of peanut butter lately. It’s like manna from heaven. For some reason (well, no I have reasons) I’ve given up meat. I am a veg! It hasn’t been that long, but I can’t honestly remember the last meal I prepared with meat. Various people ask me why, and I have various answers. To my housemates, I say it’s for lent (then I get veg pizza! woo!). It’s also a good fall back if I want to go back to meat. But even thinking about having any now is kinda gross. But the thing is…I don’t have reasons, health, ethical or other. The treatment of animals has never bothered me, even though maybe it should have. I really ever only ate chicken, anything else would’ve been a rare occasion, probably prepared for me or at a restaurant. I found a nice recipe for bean burgers, and figured hey, why not change my life? I hate beans, by the way.

Well, fuck. It’s definitely ’something completely else.’ To reference my post before last that is. When I found out that my summer won’t be as I imagined it, I wasn’t entirely crushed. I was actually pretty psyched. Part of my wish for my life was coming true, I’ll never have to go back to Winkler to live. Which is still a very very happy thought. My first summer in the city! wooo! But so far I’m jobless, currently and longterm. Scary! Also, I thought going home would save me enough money that I could blow it on a trip to England to visit for a little while. I may still do that, depending on if the job I get allows me time off. I’m going to spend the summer and next year piss piss poor, but I’m starting to be desensitized to fear of debt.

I had, once again, an episode of bus-crying. They’re going to put a notice out about me soon, don’t let this girl on…

At least for the moment. And why I’m happy when I woke up at 6AM is beyond me. Apparently my body doesn’t appreciate more than 8 hours of sleep, plus a circuit had blown (surprise!) leaving me without heaters, so I was a little chilled. I’m going to try not and question my happiness too much, and just try and enjoy it while it lasts. I have plenty to worry about, but I’m choosing not to for the time being. Some of that will catch up with me, as in I will have shown a lack of concern for some troubling circumstances that should bother me but don’t. I couldn’t be assed to be worried about crap that is neither my fault nor problem in the end. Maybe I shouldn’t exclude myself of culpability entirely, but seriously, I don’t think I’m to blame for what other people do…

Well, off to spend the day at the Dafoe Starbucks intermittently doing work and checking my facebook.

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Er, scratch the Starbucks idea, always too busy on weekdays It looks like Christmas outside…