Much Farther To Go

I think I became a business student because I knew that pretty much no matter what, there’d be employment for me when I was done. I hated debt when I was young, so it was a huge deal for me to get my bank loan to go to school, I spent a lot of time worrying about money in my first year (and here I am…with four times as much debt..woo!) Then I found out about accounting designations and, fuck, I’m set. I never really stopped to consider what I’d have enjoyed doing though. And it’s all catching up with me at once. I know I can do my CA cuz I’m completely competent and up for it, I just don’t know if I’ll particularly like training for it. So, I find myself here, in a city I don’t like, going to school for something I’m not too keen on at the moment, and with no social life whatsoever. I don’t really like when people have asked me what I’ve been up to lately, because I blank, and it’s not cuz I can’t think of what I have been up to. It’s honestly been…finding tv to watch online in between homework here and there, occasionally visiting the gym, classes…and seeing a friend or two somewhere in there. Sad, I am all too aware.

Anyway, I have had to come to the conclusion that…I’m stuck here. I will stay living here until my degree is finished (yesterday I was already in Germany, in my head…) thank god only one more year, only 7 more classes. I don’t know what I thought my life would look like now back when I was a first year. I was definitely someone else back then. Today during class I was trying to put this all together. Am I moving out, or am I not? Am I moving home for the summer, in which case I need to get my act together? Am I then going to visit England, and really why, for how long, and what for? Will I go to Germany for a year? (this would involve probably having to go back to church, ugh, for the time being) Will I be okay with putting off my degree for another year? Can I handle this year in Europe? Will life go on without me? Half of my anxiety, like ever, has had to do with missing out on things because of choosing one life over another. I hate that I’m so lazy and always seem to follow the path of least resistance. So, I dared dream that I could leave and say fuck you to school for a while. All these questions were actually starting to make me dizzy, maybe it was the circularity of it all. So many what ifs. But then I actually had some real human interaction…don’t actually get much of that lately, and some honest feedback, and I’m back to earth. I was made to realize that I’m SO close to finishing, my friends here do love me, and everything will still be where I left it in a year or two. And you know what? I hate Winnipeg a little less.