Much Farther To Go

(prepare yourselves for a long vent)

And I guess on this timeline, it happened all on schedule. It’s all crashed. I don’t have much time, in the near future, to decide where my life is going in the next few years. And action will result in one thing, passivity in another. I know I usually choose passivity…going along with what I’ve chosen before, getting the most out of actions I’ve taken in the past. It’s so hard to start again and start something new. For me anyway. So. This time, it came down to reality. The real-est kind. I was checking my…financial situation as a sort of reality check. (thank god I had finished my intended homework at this point, kind of lost concentration after) Like what am I actually free to do with my life at this point? Can I realistically take time off school? Can I even stay in the city and work this summer? Can I go one more week without work? (I really shouldn’t) Everything became a resounding no. And I used to worry about money a lot, now I don’t really. I just get depressed as the amount of my student loan will balloon to the price of luxury vehicle by the time I’m out. So now, I’ve been giving myself the “no” to all of the things that I thought would make me happiest, because I’m afraid of more debt? That’s just crap, but it’s also practical. I cannot take a year off school, I cannot stay in the city (I don’t think), I NEED a job now, I can’t go to England in the summer (probably), and I won’t be seeing some people for ages. It hit me, I’m TRAPPED here.

And I’ve come to voice, as I’ve long thought, that my anxiety of leaving England, not being able to live there, not being able to go back, at least practically, has most to do with not wanting to be forgotten, not wanting to forget how to live like I did there. That also means I’ve forgotten myself, forgotten my friends here, forgotten what used to make me happy. I dread to admit that I think I’m going to have to start taking responsibility for my own happiness, and not waiting for something nice to happen to me instead. Goddamn reality. Let’s hope this works, I’m almost out of tissues.