Much Farther To Go

I actually tensed up, and put my hands over my face when I clicked send on that email that I just wrote. I was asking for my last year’s summer job back. Chances are it’s mine, I’m not too worried, and if I don’t get it, that’s something completely else. It’s just that last summer, contract in hand, I swore I’d never be back. But now, due to some…I don’t know, just how things worked out, this is the best option for me. I won’t be missing out on a whole lot in the city, and I’m still going to be coming in for some fun stuff, it’s just that it’s one more thing, it’s another thing I’ve given up on. I seem to choose whatever’s easiest, and every time I do, part of me loses hope, or to be cliché, I die a little inside.

I don’t know what’s at the heart of it, believe me, I’ve tried to figure it out. A little fear of future career hatred, a little fear of getting old before my career starts, a fear of getting stuck somewhere where I don’t want to be. It’s just so crap cuz I’m so stuck. It’s not like I’m stuck in a cool city, whilst hating Canada, I’m stuck in small town Canada which may as well be small town midwest United States, whilst hating this fine country. I am beginning to think that the long painful process that is doing my designation elsewhere could be worth every sacrifice…