Much Farther To Go

There’s a scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Bridget finds out that Daniel has met the girl he was cheating on her with before. She mutters under her breath at the realization “Silly Bridget, you haven’t only just met her,” as an admonition to herself for believing the best in someone and for foolishly hoping that what she had was real. Okay, maybe I’ve read a bit too much into that scene/relationship, but, what do I whisper to myself when I come crashing down to earth after a nice little daydream? “silly bridget” or “silly Jen” in my best Renee Zellweger British accent.

At the moment I am having a self-admonishing moment, so I’m finding this a little difficult to write. I don’t WANT to be here. I’m stuck. I have a degree to finish and am in SO much debt. But I know, unfortunately, that life here would be okay for me. I graduate, do all the post-grad stuff, settle in, and be okay. I want more than okay. Right now, for whatever reasons, living in the UK is extremely attractive to me. These are reasons I struggle with and can’t explain. Words escape me when I try. The bare minimum I can offer is, it’s not this country, it’s not the States (God forbid) and it’s near Europe…the…I don’t know, Utopia of those who want to get away, or want more, or are frustrated with the…culture they’re in.

If you’re confused, know that I am too. So, whenever I’m really unhappy with my life, I am comforted by the thought that it’s completely plausible for me to up and leave, just jet and start over somewhere else. Granted with a little bit of difficulty, but it’s doable. Then when I have gone over it enough, I sort of face up to the difficulties or try to sort out my true reasons for wanting to leave, and definitely use the word ’silly’ a lot. I feel silly for ever wanting anything else with my life. I know people who are pretty much in the same life path as me. They’ll stay here their entire lives and never so much as complain. But this is not enough for me and some days I nearly hate myself for it. I want more than this and it makes me miserable.

I’m too tired at the moment to explain further, so I’ll be vegging, listening to the new Adele album, as well as Keren Ann. Seriously wicked, check them out…