Much Farther To Go

I actually tensed up, and put my hands over my face when I clicked send on that email that I just wrote. I was asking for my last year’s summer job back. Chances are it’s mine, I’m not too worried, and if I don’t get it, that’s something completely else. It’s just that last summer, contract in hand, I swore I’d never be back. But now, due to some…I don’t know, just how things worked out, this is the best option for me. I won’t be missing out on a whole lot in the city, and I’m still going to be coming in for some fun stuff, it’s just that it’s one more thing, it’s another thing I’ve given up on. I seem to choose whatever’s easiest, and every time I do, part of me loses hope, or to be cliché, I die a little inside.

I don’t know what’s at the heart of it, believe me, I’ve tried to figure it out. A little fear of future career hatred, a little fear of getting old before my career starts, a fear of getting stuck somewhere where I don’t want to be. It’s just so crap cuz I’m so stuck. It’s not like I’m stuck in a cool city, whilst hating Canada, I’m stuck in small town Canada which may as well be small town midwest United States, whilst hating this fine country. I am beginning to think that the long painful process that is doing my designation elsewhere could be worth every sacrifice…

(prepare yourselves for a long vent)

And I guess on this timeline, it happened all on schedule. It’s all crashed. I don’t have much time, in the near future, to decide where my life is going in the next few years. And action will result in one thing, passivity in another. I know I usually choose passivity…going along with what I’ve chosen before, getting the most out of actions I’ve taken in the past. It’s so hard to start again and start something new. For me anyway. So. This time, it came down to reality. The real-est kind. I was checking my…financial situation as a sort of reality check. (thank god I had finished my intended homework at this point, kind of lost concentration after) Like what am I actually free to do with my life at this point? Can I realistically take time off school? Can I even stay in the city and work this summer? Can I go one more week without work? (I really shouldn’t) Everything became a resounding no. And I used to worry about money a lot, now I don’t really. I just get depressed as the amount of my student loan will balloon to the price of luxury vehicle by the time I’m out. So now, I’ve been giving myself the “no” to all of the things that I thought would make me happiest, because I’m afraid of more debt? That’s just crap, but it’s also practical. I cannot take a year off school, I cannot stay in the city (I don’t think), I NEED a job now, I can’t go to England in the summer (probably), and I won’t be seeing some people for ages. It hit me, I’m TRAPPED here.

And I’ve come to voice, as I’ve long thought, that my anxiety of leaving England, not being able to live there, not being able to go back, at least practically, has most to do with not wanting to be forgotten, not wanting to forget how to live like I did there. That also means I’ve forgotten myself, forgotten my friends here, forgotten what used to make me happy. I dread to admit that I think I’m going to have to start taking responsibility for my own happiness, and not waiting for something nice to happen to me instead. Goddamn reality. Let’s hope this works, I’m almost out of tissues.

I think I became a business student because I knew that pretty much no matter what, there’d be employment for me when I was done. I hated debt when I was young, so it was a huge deal for me to get my bank loan to go to school, I spent a lot of time worrying about money in my first year (and here I am…with four times as much debt..woo!) Then I found out about accounting designations and, fuck, I’m set. I never really stopped to consider what I’d have enjoyed doing though. And it’s all catching up with me at once. I know I can do my CA cuz I’m completely competent and up for it, I just don’t know if I’ll particularly like training for it. So, I find myself here, in a city I don’t like, going to school for something I’m not too keen on at the moment, and with no social life whatsoever. I don’t really like when people have asked me what I’ve been up to lately, because I blank, and it’s not cuz I can’t think of what I have been up to. It’s honestly been…finding tv to watch online in between homework here and there, occasionally visiting the gym, classes…and seeing a friend or two somewhere in there. Sad, I am all too aware.

Anyway, I have had to come to the conclusion that…I’m stuck here. I will stay living here until my degree is finished (yesterday I was already in Germany, in my head…) thank god only one more year, only 7 more classes. I don’t know what I thought my life would look like now back when I was a first year. I was definitely someone else back then. Today during class I was trying to put this all together. Am I moving out, or am I not? Am I moving home for the summer, in which case I need to get my act together? Am I then going to visit England, and really why, for how long, and what for? Will I go to Germany for a year? (this would involve probably having to go back to church, ugh, for the time being) Will I be okay with putting off my degree for another year? Can I handle this year in Europe? Will life go on without me? Half of my anxiety, like ever, has had to do with missing out on things because of choosing one life over another. I hate that I’m so lazy and always seem to follow the path of least resistance. So, I dared dream that I could leave and say fuck you to school for a while. All these questions were actually starting to make me dizzy, maybe it was the circularity of it all. So many what ifs. But then I actually had some real human interaction…don’t actually get much of that lately, and some honest feedback, and I’m back to earth. I was made to realize that I’m SO close to finishing, my friends here do love me, and everything will still be where I left it in a year or two. And you know what? I hate Winnipeg a little less.

other wisdom imparted by my finance prof today includes…let me get my ‘notes’…um, Safeway sells bagels (and that some how indicts them, at least partially, for the downfall of the once epic Canadian bagel shop). Also, when there are advantages, there are disadvantages. I mumble to myself angrily the whole class. All the while doing a sudoku. I don’t know if I’m extra bitchy lately or what exactly, I just can’t tolerate ineptitude in so called professors. *sigh* /rant

Better than ranting about my own life, I think. But here we go anyway…Every piece of my life is somehow floating above my head. Where will I work? Where will I live? Who with? Moving home? (say it ain’t so…) Back to Plym and Europe for a bit this summer? A year in Germany mebbe? I try not to think too hard about any of them, or put any hope on anything, cuz in the end, I still have no idea what’ll make me happiest.

I vaguely remember setting out to do a lot more with my day than I actually did. Might have been the sleeping until 1 that did my day in. But even when I packed up my stuff at 5:30 and drove down to the library (really, I’ll take any excuse to drive) I had some high expectations. I was going to do the Ethics assignment, some accounting questions, write in my journal, write a to-do list (which I have cleverly called the “get your life fucking sorted” to-do list), and just generally think. Unfortunately, the only thing I accomplished was the assignment (pressure! due in less than 12 hours!) and got some inspiration to write this. I guess I could blame it on facebook, but that’s not altogether fair either. I’m just a distractable person. I need structure, organization, and NO shiny objects around me. After a while, everything starts to look shiny.

I may have been avoiding writing in here lately because, well, I don’t have the audience I used to, which I am so okay with, and there is just SO much more going on with me that I could ever properly express. It’s more than just this, but, since getting back from England, all I am is miserable. Inwardly, anyway. I’ve been more honest lately. When people ask me how I like being back, I honestly say I hate it, and I’m unhappy here. But what am I supposed to do? At the moment, for at least a year or more, I’m powerless, and I think that might be what bothers me most. Not only do I not want to be here, there’s nothing I can do about it. And, as you can tell, I’m not making the choice to be happy. And that doesn’t bother me. Does it make sense that I’m okay with being unhappy? I may just have lowered expectations of this place.

Anyway, I’ll write more tomorrow, before I further depress myself. Oh, and this livejournal site has made me smile, and even cry, today so, if you need some cheering up, just remember nice things people have said to you.