Much Farther To Go

I decided to want less? I don’t really mean, no thanks, I won’t be supersizing that today, or, no I won’t have yet another piece of pizza. Neither do I mean that I’ll pass that shoe store by, even if I have no means to pay the credit card bill. I mean, what if I took my expectations of life and just brought them down? The very thought is so painful. I don’t know what it would mean to me. I don’t like that my life doesn’t seem to be going like I want it to. I’m probably being a bit pessimistic, but even in my daydreams of the future, things aren’t working out. Well, that may be me being realistic. And yes, everytime someone calls me negative I say I’m being realistic. It’s true, isn’t it? I would gladly own up to being negative. But I just slowly sigh, and say, that’s life. It is. I think I’m pretty optimistic! Or at least, I think I used to be. Now there’s almost nothing that doesn’t give me that slow sinky feeling of fear. I’m not actually afraid, you know. I just want something different for my life, and even in my head it doesn’t pan out. I’m not afraid that I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring and slip into a complicit, quiet life.

Anyway, wanting less. If I want less, will I feel less? Will I actually have the need for less? How do I go about this wanting less? Maybe I should just want something else.

I wasn’t going to write tonight. It was probably last on my agenda, after one more episode of Spaced, and my finance homework. But I felt the need to say, to declare it officially, I am a loser. The kind of loser I don’t really mind being. There’s a difference. I live in this little self imposed prison. School, gym, home. And by -home- I mean this desolate little space where cleaning my room resembles the analogy of polishing a turd. The evidence of my devastating Saturday are all around. Half empty bottle of wine, half empty bag of crisps, over half gone chocolate bar. (I never do chocolate half way ) I’ve got many points on facebook games to attest to my homebodied ways. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve hit close to rock bottom but now i think i’m up again for awhile. That’s all I really want to say about that for now. And, I think no matter what mood I’m in, this video will always make me feel warm and fuzzy and giggly :).

I’m bored out of my fucking mind. Tried going for a run earlier, but i must have really messed up my knee the other day. So now here I am sitting, icing my knee, not wanting to move, but also having no reason TO move. Really didn’t need this, to come home, to sit on my ass and do nothing. AND eat far more than I need to. That’s what’s so good about being on my own and so very poor, I just don’t bother much with food. I’ve been without TV for so long that I can’t even really stand to sit there and watch it. At this point, I don’t even know if I would sit through an episode of Grey’s Anatomy (my favouritest show of the moment, or at least it was)

The semester’s going to be over soon enough. Then…torture…two whole weeks from the last day of classes til my first exam. Hopefully I’ll occupy myself with the gym or something. I want summer to be here now, but not quite until I know what I’ll be doing. I hate waiting to hear about jobs, as much as I hate job interviews. I hate the whole process. I don’t like this unemployed thing, even though I’ve been so very unemployed almost my entire school-going career. I wish I knew for certain what I wanted. Then I could go for it without fear, that no matter what happens, I know I’ll be doing the right thing. And I could put myself entirely into it, because all of it would be worth it, whatever it is.

amazing

I hate having a dishwasher. I really do. All it does is give you an excuse to be lazy and do your dishes later, when there are more dirty ones, then we can run it. So, don’t worry about that dirty dish, let’s make more, and then wash them all at once. I suppose there is some logic behind that, say when you live with one other person. But six makes it a little more complicated. I’m the first to get pissed off when people in a dishwasher-less house does only their own dishes. But, in this situation, a dishwasher-having situation, that is what I am doing. It is not a refusal to empty the dishwasher, which is the usual stall in our kitchen’s cleanliness, it’s going on strike against people who have clearly had the time to empty it (as evidenced by the stacks of new dirty dishes that have appeared since the beast had finished). A few weeks ago, I was all, ‘let’s be nice and clean the kitchen everytime I see it’s dirty’ cuz I wanted to be nice and kind and seen as who the fuck knows. Subsequently, I was named house mom and given the duty of ‘kitchen’ on our tasks board *rolls eyes*. I’m not angry at anyone specifically, not at all…the situation’s just shit.

BUT, if I were to be completely completely honest, I’m annoyed that I’ve had the sniffles since moving in, and am seriously beginning to suspect my mid-70s recently flooded basement living conditions. Anyone who’s lived with me can attest to this…I ALWAYS have a messy room. I do enjoy having a clean room though. Here, I simply cannot be ASSED. Why clean off the floor so i can see the mismatched patches of carpet covering the uneven concrete? Why untangle those cords, when I know I’m going to have to unplug something or other the next time a circuit blows (yet again and again and again and again) I miss my days of living with fewer people AND not having a dishwasher. It was also much easier to tell if it was your turn to do the washing up. Or maybe last semester I just lived with people I loved, and wanted to do their dishes. Who knows. Meanwhile, I’ll try not to think about how many spiders crawl over me at night (I count myself lucky that I haven’t seen rodents) Here comes the summer!!

I’ve had…an up and down week. I know my interviews went well, but the one I wanted, well, that’s not going to happen. It’s just so silly because however likely or unlikely something is to happen, I’m the first to picture it all working out happily and envisioning everything working out wonderfully. Which is fun, and makes me happy and all that, it’s just…the disappointment can be a lot to take. And in turn, that reminds me that I never had the right to be hopeful in the first place, and I lose some optimism. Hopelessness makes me feel lost. Now, out of necessity (for my sanity at least) I’ve tentatively pinned my hopes on a different job. Not as prestigious, but probably just as well paid. Read the rest of this entry »

a calm shade of azure blue. I don’t know where that thought came from, but earlier this week, either after my first or second interview, I started getting this strange strange feeling. It felt a lot like hope. Now, I know I’m not exactly one of those people that sees colour when they hear music, but songs are particular shades with particular feelings. Anyway, nothing to do with music, but I was feeling this thing, it was blue, kind of lightly shimmery, and warm, a comforting sort of warm. The kind that comes from the sun rather than from a space heater (from which I am all too familiar). I don’t like that good things have to happen to me before I feel good, but maybe that’s just life. It’s feeling like I did great at job interviews, it’s looking forward to vacationing next Christmas, it’s a really good mate saying that when he comes to Canada, he’ll come live wherever I am. Read the rest of this entry »

I am struggling struggling struggling to get this Critical Thinking assignment done, and have been through nearly every procrastination technique ever. Besides cleaning my room of course (wayy too much effort, too little time). Also, I couldn’t be assed. I believe the phrase is “polishing a turd.” I am writing sentences in this essay every few minutes and I’ll probably be done sometime before midnight (hopefully). Then, I can start worrying about my job interview tomorrow. Once again, I’m not prepared. I did majorly fuck up my interview on Friday, mostly cuz it was a finance job, I took a finance class in second year, and well, I wasn’t exactly prepared to answer technical questions about it. (oops!) Read the rest of this entry »

I have spent the last two days absolutely exhausted (note to self, don’t decide to start working out hardcore and give up coffee in the same breath). The cold/sickness that hasn’t gone away since January has also started to catch up with me. May I continue? I’ve got a job interview on Friday, and another on Monday, and I have no idea what my chances are, but I’m not feeling overly confident. I got a not-too-good mark on my accounting exam, I’m super sore, and I’m never not hungry, but I never feel like eating. I’ve got loads of assignments to do, but I rarely have motivation until the last few moments before something’s due and, it would all have to be due Monday, wouldn’t it.

I’m still in love with Soko…