Much Farther To Go

I’ve had…an up and down week. I know my interviews went well, but the one I wanted, well, that’s not going to happen. It’s just so silly because however likely or unlikely something is to happen, I’m the first to picture it all working out happily and envisioning everything working out wonderfully. Which is fun, and makes me happy and all that, it’s just…the disappointment can be a lot to take. And in turn, that reminds me that I never had the right to be hopeful in the first place, and I lose some optimism. Hopelessness makes me feel lost. Now, out of necessity (for my sanity at least) I’ve tentatively pinned my hopes on a different job. Not as prestigious, but probably just as well paid.

So, when I got that call, as well as when I got a mid-term mark back that I didn’t particularly like, I serious began to doubt myself. Business students, we’re all the same, we’re all also applying for exactly the same jobs. Some differentiate themselves by being complete ass kissers (which I see the majority of the faculty as), some genuinely work their butts off and get the good marks. (My GPA has only factored into one interview so far. No one really cares) And still some get ‘involved’ in the groups and crap like that. Honestly I couldn’t be bothered to get involved with that stuff, because from where I stand it all looks a lot like pretend. The things they do (besides socials I guess) look to me like…playing…and people take them seriously! Anyway, all of this. All these things that other people are, or aren’t. It occurred to me, I’m good at…not a lot. Nothing, I’d venture so far as saying. I know that sounds horrible, but, what differentiates me, really? It’s starting to bug me, a little, that I can’t even point things out about myself that makes me stand out?

This is why I hate interviews, and particularly cover letters. Everyone must write the same retarded tripe that I do. They must know that not everyone is as enthusiastic as they say they are. If they were, there’s no way they could keep it up or there’d be a lot more crack addicts out there. So, how does one express the fact that, well, I work well, I’m a good employee, sometimes I shine, sometimes I don’t. See, I know I’m fucking fabulous, I’ll do whatever you train me to, and I’ll do it fast. Okay, that’s one thing that I like about myself. I catch on to things, particularly computer things, really quickly. I can’t see myself not working out at most any job. But I suppose, I’ve got to get myself in somewhere, and that means passing this silly test, to see if I can play the interview game. Bah.

I am very much looking forward to Christmas ‘08….