I wasn’t going to write tonight. It was probably last on my agenda, after one more episode of Spaced, and my finance homework. But I felt the need to say, to declare it officially, I am a loser. The kind of loser I don’t really mind being. There’s a difference. I live in this little self imposed prison. School, gym, home. And by -home- I mean this desolate little space where cleaning my room resembles the analogy of polishing a turd. The evidence of my devastating Saturday are all around. Half empty bottle of wine, half empty bag of crisps, over half gone chocolate bar. (I never do chocolate half way 
) I’ve got many points on facebook games to attest to my homebodied ways.
Anyway, I have several types of loser that I feel sometimes. There’s the type of loser when I’ve been anti-social (quickly cleared up by a social engagement). Hmm, there’s the type of loser when all I do is think about what I don’t have at hand, the things just out of reach. Jobs, relationships, apartments, that sort of thing. Then I get mostly sad and depressed. Then there’s the loser I feel just for being here and not somewhere else, and it’s a combo of those two, except the things I dream of are either far enough away or far enough in the future that I dare let myself think I can have them. The downside of that one (when reality sinks in) can actually make me Depressed (the kind with a capital D). I’m doing better and better though, I just have to take it week by week.
Speaking of that though, I can’t believe the week is over…again. Two more and the semester’s over. Two weeks after that and exams will start for me (and be over, within a day!) If I don’t have a job, I don’t know what’ll happen to me. I don’t know what I want to happen to me. Everyday I think of different ways to leave after graduation. Teach English? Don’t know if I’ll like it, or if I’ll earn that much…really my own concern is debt repayment at the moment. Do accounting in England? IIIIIFFF ONLY. It’s completely possible, it’s just complicated! I just cannot afford any postgrad stuff to be honest. I’m so fucking jealous of those who are graduating without debt. I’ve even considered moving home so I wouldn’t have to pay rent just to knock off a few years off the repayment. But we are talking years, and I would probably want to cut myself if I had to move home.
I went out on that junkfood run earlier…at first I thought it was raining and I almost cried with happiness, but nooooo, just icky sleet. It’s nearly April. Haven’t I waited long enough?
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