Much Farther To Go

I decided to want less? I don’t really mean, no thanks, I won’t be supersizing that today, or, no I won’t have yet another piece of pizza. Neither do I mean that I’ll pass that shoe store by, even if I have no means to pay the credit card bill. I mean, what if I took my expectations of life and just brought them down? The very thought is so painful. I don’t know what it would mean to me. I don’t like that my life doesn’t seem to be going like I want it to. I’m probably being a bit pessimistic, but even in my daydreams of the future, things aren’t working out. Well, that may be me being realistic. And yes, everytime someone calls me negative I say I’m being realistic. It’s true, isn’t it? I would gladly own up to being negative. But I just slowly sigh, and say, that’s life. It is. I think I’m pretty optimistic! Or at least, I think I used to be. Now there’s almost nothing that doesn’t give me that slow sinky feeling of fear. I’m not actually afraid, you know. I just want something different for my life, and even in my head it doesn’t pan out. I’m not afraid that I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring and slip into a complicit, quiet life.

Anyway, wanting less. If I want less, will I feel less? Will I actually have the need for less? How do I go about this wanting less? Maybe I should just want something else.