Much Farther To Go

a calm shade of azure blue. I don’t know where that thought came from, but earlier this week, either after my first or second interview, I started getting this strange strange feeling. It felt a lot like hope. Now, I know I’m not exactly one of those people that sees colour when they hear music, but songs are particular shades with particular feelings. Anyway, nothing to do with music, but I was feeling this thing, it was blue, kind of lightly shimmery, and warm, a comforting sort of warm. The kind that comes from the sun rather than from a space heater (from which I am all too familiar). I don’t like that good things have to happen to me before I feel good, but maybe that’s just life. It’s feeling like I did great at job interviews, it’s looking forward to vacationing next Christmas, it’s a really good mate saying that when he comes to Canada, he’ll come live wherever I am. Read the rest of this entry »

Well, fuck. It’s definitely ’something completely else.’ To reference my post before last that is. When I found out that my summer won’t be as I imagined it, I wasn’t entirely crushed. I was actually pretty psyched. Part of my wish for my life was coming true, I’ll never have to go back to Winkler to live. Which is still a very very happy thought. My first summer in the city! wooo! But so far I’m jobless, currently and longterm. Scary! Also, I thought going home would save me enough money that I could blow it on a trip to England to visit for a little while. I may still do that, depending on if the job I get allows me time off. I’m going to spend the summer and next year piss piss poor, but I’m starting to be desensitized to fear of debt.

I had, once again, an episode of bus-crying. They’re going to put a notice out about me soon, don’t let this girl on…

I think I became a business student because I knew that pretty much no matter what, there’d be employment for me when I was done. I hated debt when I was young, so it was a huge deal for me to get my bank loan to go to school, I spent a lot of time worrying about money in my first year (and here I am…with four times as much debt..woo!) Then I found out about accounting designations and, fuck, I’m set. I never really stopped to consider what I’d have enjoyed doing though. And it’s all catching up with me at once. I know I can do my CA cuz I’m completely competent and up for it, I just don’t know if I’ll particularly like training for it. So, I find myself here, in a city I don’t like, going to school for something I’m not too keen on at the moment, and with no social life whatsoever. I don’t really like when people have asked me what I’ve been up to lately, because I blank, and it’s not cuz I can’t think of what I have been up to. It’s honestly been…finding tv to watch online in between homework here and there, occasionally visiting the gym, classes…and seeing a friend or two somewhere in there. Sad, I am all too aware.

Anyway, I have had to come to the conclusion that…I’m stuck here. I will stay living here until my degree is finished (yesterday I was already in Germany, in my head…) thank god only one more year, only 7 more classes. I don’t know what I thought my life would look like now back when I was a first year. I was definitely someone else back then. Today during class I was trying to put this all together. Am I moving out, or am I not? Am I moving home for the summer, in which case I need to get my act together? Am I then going to visit England, and really why, for how long, and what for? Will I go to Germany for a year? (this would involve probably having to go back to church, ugh, for the time being) Will I be okay with putting off my degree for another year? Can I handle this year in Europe? Will life go on without me? Half of my anxiety, like ever, has had to do with missing out on things because of choosing one life over another. I hate that I’m so lazy and always seem to follow the path of least resistance. So, I dared dream that I could leave and say fuck you to school for a while. All these questions were actually starting to make me dizzy, maybe it was the circularity of it all. So many what ifs. But then I actually had some real human interaction…don’t actually get much of that lately, and some honest feedback, and I’m back to earth. I was made to realize that I’m SO close to finishing, my friends here do love me, and everything will still be where I left it in a year or two. And you know what? I hate Winnipeg a little less.

I vaguely remember setting out to do a lot more with my day than I actually did. Might have been the sleeping until 1 that did my day in. But even when I packed up my stuff at 5:30 and drove down to the library (really, I’ll take any excuse to drive) I had some high expectations. I was going to do the Ethics assignment, some accounting questions, write in my journal, write a to-do list (which I have cleverly called the “get your life fucking sorted” to-do list), and just generally think. Unfortunately, the only thing I accomplished was the assignment (pressure! due in less than 12 hours!) and got some inspiration to write this. I guess I could blame it on facebook, but that’s not altogether fair either. I’m just a distractable person. I need structure, organization, and NO shiny objects around me. After a while, everything starts to look shiny.

I may have been avoiding writing in here lately because, well, I don’t have the audience I used to, which I am so okay with, and there is just SO much more going on with me that I could ever properly express. It’s more than just this, but, since getting back from England, all I am is miserable. Inwardly, anyway. I’ve been more honest lately. When people ask me how I like being back, I honestly say I hate it, and I’m unhappy here. But what am I supposed to do? At the moment, for at least a year or more, I’m powerless, and I think that might be what bothers me most. Not only do I not want to be here, there’s nothing I can do about it. And, as you can tell, I’m not making the choice to be happy. And that doesn’t bother me. Does it make sense that I’m okay with being unhappy? I may just have lowered expectations of this place.

Anyway, I’ll write more tomorrow, before I further depress myself. Oh, and this livejournal site has made me smile, and even cry, today so, if you need some cheering up, just remember nice things people have said to you.

Alright then. I just opened my macbook for the third time since telling myself I was going to sleep now. I didn’t think much at all this weekend, and really not a lot these past two weeks anyway, and the night seems to be the time when it all wants to come out.

I used to have this theory of sorts, or maybe just a comforting thought, that only a certain amount of bad things can happen to you before it all turns around, and something nice happens, something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Well, it’s been a while now, really. And, I’m okay. I’m not not okay. Bad things do keep happening. And I’ve gotten to the point where I just need something good to happen, something to make sense in my life. At the moment I’m just going through what I’ve planned for myself. I was registered in these classes ages ago, so I must attend them. I set out to get a major in accounting years ago, so I guess I should finish that. But, what if I just don’t feel like it anymore. And what if I don’t know if I’ll feel that way forever? I can’t just walk away from a career decision before it’s even happened. I know I’m going to have to love this if I want to go through with the whole thing. I don’t know if I can love it here, though. But lately everything seems to require a whole lot of effort. Not a lot of people know how I feel, and that’s okay. If you go through your life never telling anyone the truth about your unhappiness, and it goes away, and you hardly remember it, did the unhappiness ever happen?

I changed, a lot, when I lived in England. But it feels like everything, and everyone here, stayed the same. Which is sort of disappointing, but I’m sure they’ll have their time to experience things and change, too. And I don’t feel like I’ve left them behind, I feel like I’ve been left behind, even though that is so not the case.

Can something genuinely nice just happen to me now, please?

I know it’s nearly -20 at home right now, but I almost wish I were there. It’s dark there and here at 4pm. Good news, it starts getting lighter in two weeks, the day we get home. Coincidence? I think not! (joking, joking) I miss the way the streetlights reflect off of the snow, making the sky a burnt orangey colour, so that it’s never really dark outside.

evenings!! I think there shouldn’t be a time between 20:00 and the morning. Let’s say I’m not the most efficient person during the day, and I reassure myself that I’m an evening person when it come to schoolwork anyway, so I’ll be fine. Not so much lately. So I still get almost nothing done during the day, and continually get almost nothing done in the evening. I know right now it’s probably one of my ‘mood’ things. I can go through weeks of being in a strange mood just because. Well, I guess I’ve been in a mood for a month and a half not for no reason. And don’t get me started on trying to fall asleep. I usually try to stay awake as long as I can and try to exhaust myself to sleep, which really fucks up functioning for the next day, but it’s a self-defeating cycle.

It’s a kind of psychosis for me almost. I haven’t had this much free time since my first year out of high school and I only worked part time. Like, how did I keep from going absolutely insane then?? Well I guess I wasn’t completely unbusy, like I am here. I spend so little time in class (and technically I haven’t been to class in a week, and I don’t think I’ll actually go to any more), live so far from city center, have so few friends, and have so few opportunities, that…well, I end up sitting on my hands a lot.

This is the part of me that’s excited to get home. Which is exciting and all, but for some reason I feel like I still need something big to look forward to. I know the next part of my life is going to be extremely busy, and I guess I’m genuinely looking forward to that, but a part of me just wants something nice to happen to me for a change…

So, this is megs and I our first weekend here. I remember most of that day, how I was still getting used to blistered feet, being proud of ourselves because we didn’t need a tour to tell us where the hoe and barbican were, we’d already discovered them on our own. Somewhere in this semester, we forgot about getting ahead, and now I feel terribly, terribly behind. And without a chance to make it right. The coursework will be fine. I will be writing three papers in this next week. In addition to a discussion and test, but really, I’m just fucked. Anyway, looking back at pictures makes me wish I could kind of go back and do it over. NO, not differently, except maybe for the homework part. I didn’t know what I had then. And I know I’m going to look back at this very moment and say the same.

Back on the subject of music, I’ve found a ton since getting here, I’m really going to miss radio one. I know I can listen to it online, but I don’t think I’m going to want to get up at ungodly hours just to listen to the Chris Moyles show live. That being said, for the first, oh say…two months here, the six hour time difference was really disorienting. Deciding when people should call, when they’d finally respond to emails, etc, really felt like it shortened the day. Getting back will be a little different, it’ll be strange to picture my friends out for the night when it’s only midday where I am. ANYWAY, music. It’s all love songs. I don’t know why. It doesn’t bother me until I start to realize that everyone’s talking about how hurt they’ve been, how bad things have happened to them, boo freaking hoo. Liars. What about those times that they’ve done the hurting? No possible way have they been the victim in every relationship they’ve been in. I’d like to hear a song about how they’ve hurt someone else. But then they might have to say they’re sorry, and they may not be. Good point, why would they write about someone they don’t care about? Ah, us victims. I guess we just as well may go on and write sad hurt songs of our own…

after this, it’s because I’ve gotten lost somewhere in the London Underground. Actually, the underground is probably the least of all my worries. If we’re lost on the Underground, that’s good news! That means we made it to London. I’ve never taken the train before, and never booked train tickets over the phone, which was an embarrassingly long process. It involved me asking a probably nice lady to repeat what she was saying about three times. I don’t know if it’s my fault that I don’t recognize the phrase ‘the long number on my credit card’ as being my credit card number. Or that I had to resort to giving her my Canadian postal code in whatever-it-is format (romeo-6-whisky 1-hotel (we tried harry first, that was a no-go)-3)

So! The point of all this is that we’ve finally registered for classes and don’t have to be at anything until Monday. Well, according to others I suppose we’re supposed to be clubbing these nights, and every night this week, but now we have non refundable deposits as excuses! We’ve got trains, we’ve got a hostel, now I’ve just got to sleep and pack

To continue on, we’ve been staying here in Ford for a week now, and even though it’s quite a trek, close to 2 miles to the Business building, we’re pretty much used to it, and I’m sure in a week we’ll be wondering what we were ever complaining about. Tomorrow (well, virtually in a few hours) we’ll be registering for classes that we’ve just heard about today and yesterday. Our ever not-so-helpful coordinator is leaving us hanging right now, because we don’t know what we’re supposed to do, not everything is equivalent across the ocean, so we may end up taking a Spanish class, which could be interesting. I’m not too worried, as I find it hard to be worried about well…most things.