Much Farther To Go

Well, I’ve been studying for a few days straight now (er, job interview, re-visiting job place, facebook, coffee and bad girls breaks notwithstanding). And now I’m giving up for the night, because I’ve struggled to get anywhere with this retarded ethics studying (and I feel justified using that word because one of the articles from the 50’s used it non-ironically) and have spent a while on msn now, which has given me a bit of a headache. Sometimes I just don’t know where my head is at, or where it’s going.

But I care a little less now, because, big news, I have A Job. Yes, a proper Job. Well, maybe not proper cuz it’s still a summer student job. But I am faaairly proud of myself. Thank god for FSWEP. All those interviews and subsequent disappointments. I hate to say it, but they were worth getting to this point. I didn’t have a claim on any of those jobs. I just saw they were advertised, and went for ‘em. If anything, I got a lot lot of interview experience, and some feedback, when I remembered to ask for it. And voila, I am now an employee of the federal government. (can i get a woot?) And they told me my last employer gave me a great reference, which made my day even further. (don’t know if it actually mattered to my job-getting, I wrote their test, I answered their questions perfectly!) I arrived home to a message from the…second last? I believe, place to reject me. To do with a job ‘opportunity’. I am further self-satisfied. I move in a week. I am quite keen on the halved rent, the walls and door, all of it. (and the halved number of roomies, still love you kids)

So, I kind of do this thing, sometimes, when I’m desperate, to calm my head. I bargain with God. Yeah, the dude I’m not sure listens to me. I don’t know why I do it, I’ve always done it. So, Jen got the job, I think this means Jen’s going to church this Sunday. Funniest thought that when through my head about that? Oh! I’ll buy a new outfit! So this bargaining makes me feel like now I’ve done all I can, I relax a little, let fate work it’s magic, because there’s nothing more i can do. Not that my little mental blip was -something- but it eases my mind. I was having deeper thoughts about this earlier, but my mental state is NOT 100% at the moment. I cannot WAIT until Saturday, depending on what happens, I think God’ll forgive me if I can’t get out of bed Sunday and leave it til the next weekend

I decided to want less? I don’t really mean, no thanks, I won’t be supersizing that today, or, no I won’t have yet another piece of pizza. Neither do I mean that I’ll pass that shoe store by, even if I have no means to pay the credit card bill. I mean, what if I took my expectations of life and just brought them down? The very thought is so painful. I don’t know what it would mean to me. I don’t like that my life doesn’t seem to be going like I want it to. I’m probably being a bit pessimistic, but even in my daydreams of the future, things aren’t working out. Well, that may be me being realistic. And yes, everytime someone calls me negative I say I’m being realistic. It’s true, isn’t it? I would gladly own up to being negative. But I just slowly sigh, and say, that’s life. It is. I think I’m pretty optimistic! Or at least, I think I used to be. Now there’s almost nothing that doesn’t give me that slow sinky feeling of fear. I’m not actually afraid, you know. I just want something different for my life, and even in my head it doesn’t pan out. I’m not afraid that I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring and slip into a complicit, quiet life.

Anyway, wanting less. If I want less, will I feel less? Will I actually have the need for less? How do I go about this wanting less? Maybe I should just want something else.

I am struggling struggling struggling to get this Critical Thinking assignment done, and have been through nearly every procrastination technique ever. Besides cleaning my room of course (wayy too much effort, too little time). Also, I couldn’t be assed. I believe the phrase is “polishing a turd.” I am writing sentences in this essay every few minutes and I’ll probably be done sometime before midnight (hopefully). Then, I can start worrying about my job interview tomorrow. Once again, I’m not prepared. I did majorly fuck up my interview on Friday, mostly cuz it was a finance job, I took a finance class in second year, and well, I wasn’t exactly prepared to answer technical questions about it. (oops!) Read the rest of this entry »

I should know by now, really, that coffee in the evening is never a good thing. Especially ones with the equivalent of three shots of espresso in them. Tends to keep me a little awake and wired. Well, that and doing nothing with my evenings. I think I had aspirations to do something this evening. Well, I did set out to make this nice Thai peanut stir-fry thing. I made the regrettable decision of choosing tofu for the first time. I really.really.really. should’ve stuck with vegetables alone. Read the rest of this entry »