Much Farther To Go

hello friends. i am apparently on a time theme.

I am slowly going mad. I have not a lot to do here. I even read a page or two, as covertly as I could, of The Golden Compass. Which is wicked good so far. I am heading home sometime today. When, I’m not sure. I’ve never been so unorganized in my life. I remain mostly packed up except for most clothes and toiletries. And will most likely stay that way, til I graduate. And I mean it. The messy unorganized thing. In a short year I will be a University Graduate. Which to me, has never actually meant a lot. Especially while in school. I’m surrounded by people who are doing the same thing. So, no big deal, right? Most of my friends that I see often have, or will soon have, or will eventually have, an undergraduate degree. I just don’t think I’ll ever see it as anything big. Kinda like graduating from high school, I never got why anyone made a big fuss of it. I think I’d be super pumped on myself if somehow…I learned…hmm. Time Management would be good. They don’t teach that one. I think they assume you’ll learn it, and you’ll be a better student if you do. Ha! They have severely underestimated my laziness. I always always always get stuff done, and done well. How I spent my time in the meantime well, anyone can speculate. Also, along with my commerce degree (honours, btw) I would like to have become more well read. I so definitely have not. And that is something I am working on. Trying to anyway. Yeah, I know, The Golden Compass isn’t exactly literature (it’s children’s literature!). But it is a step in the right direction. Oh! And I always thought it would be neat to be able to give myself manicures. But I am throughly shit at it. Also, to have witty conversations. That would be good. What else…hm, some sort of personal finance. Or something. I’m alright, I just have this thing where I don’t look at my balances until the day they’re due

Really, I should be freaking out about not having studied a whole lot for my equities or ethics exams (not enough, anyway) but I’m not. Not because I’m calm and collected, but because I’m not happy. Yes, there’s an undercurrent of uber excitement regarding my new job and house and summer and everything, but. I just…want what I can’t have. And what’s frustrating is that I don’t know the level of impossibility that it sits at. It’s not like a job that’s possible for someone like me. Or being unhappy because my room is crap. I should realize that all this -feeling- about it, gets me nowhere, and it’s time to stop crying into my coffee. I’m hoping I’m just over-tired and kind of stressed because of this crap weekend of exams and the pressure of it all. Well, back to play ‘the game’ I suppose. Wish me luck.

(is what i’m ’studying’)

This has been a long time in coming, but, my ipod earbuds have finally kicked it. Well, they kicked it almost a week ago. I have another set because I saw this coming, but they’re in my car (I think). My car has this problem that it’s dead and I usually only use my command start (non functioning) to lock and unlock. My keys don’t work in that case. So, when I do get around to having someone boost it, I’m going to have to climb through the trunk. Just like old times! Long story to tell you that I haven’t been listening to my ipod on the bus or listening to music at school while I study. [More...] The bus thing is interesting. Really, I could start a blog with the things I encounter. Or just make random lists. I had my first Mormon encounter the other day on way back from outerspace for that interview. Not a personal encounter, thank god. I didn’t notice they were seated behind me until a guy asked them if they were the guys who wrote that book, you know, the Book of Mormon. This guy was I believe mentally challenged (is that the current correct way?), looked like Filipino maybe, but had an accent like a purebred menno. He goes on and on asking them questions about the Bible, having nothing to do with Mormonism (hehe) and then this other dude who was leaving the bus made some comment about how nice it was to hear “such nice talk.” Holy jesus. Religious talk is nice? first i’ve heard. Sounds like something my mother/grandma/aunt’d say. What about it is nice??? I suppose the educational part is alright, but just because you hear the words mary and jesus doesn’t make….urgh, nevermind. Whatever, I won’t take that farther.

Ugh, then there’s the complete douche bag that got on the 16 at the same time as I did. (I think one of my earbuds was still working at this point) Anyway, I saw he had drumsticks so I knew this was going to be trouble. For the entire journey (approx 40 min (!) ) He had his walkman (oh yes, cassette tape and all) at full blast and he was tapping his feet and air drumming. I definitely have something against foot tapping in an otherwise quiet environment. Living in the basement of a house that contains a drummer may have something to do with it… If I further describe his outfit I’m just going to get emotional and rant about leather jackets…but I digress…

I’m just trying to be happy the sun is shining. I’m in the library with no music, attempting studying, which is going okay, I’m just not overly overly organized. I feel okay about exams, I feel okay about the summer even though I don’t have everything sorted. I know where I’m moving to now and I suppose that that’s something. It’s just everything after the end of next year I don’t feel settled about. The thought that’s on my mind constantly is that I still don’t know where I’m supposed to be. I know where’s most comfortable, but comfortable is BORING. Been there, done that. Have you got anything else?

I’ve had…an up and down week. I know my interviews went well, but the one I wanted, well, that’s not going to happen. It’s just so silly because however likely or unlikely something is to happen, I’m the first to picture it all working out happily and envisioning everything working out wonderfully. Which is fun, and makes me happy and all that, it’s just…the disappointment can be a lot to take. And in turn, that reminds me that I never had the right to be hopeful in the first place, and I lose some optimism. Hopelessness makes me feel lost. Now, out of necessity (for my sanity at least) I’ve tentatively pinned my hopes on a different job. Not as prestigious, but probably just as well paid. Read the rest of this entry »

There’s a scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary where Bridget finds out that Daniel has met the girl he was cheating on her with before. She mutters under her breath at the realization “Silly Bridget, you haven’t only just met her,” as an admonition to herself for believing the best in someone and for foolishly hoping that what she had was real. Okay, maybe I’ve read a bit too much into that scene/relationship, but, what do I whisper to myself when I come crashing down to earth after a nice little daydream? “silly bridget” or “silly Jen” in my best Renee Zellweger British accent. Read the rest of this entry »

The trouble with being all vague on here is not knowing what I was talking about when I come back to update. This weekend was a rough one. Friday was not great, as nights out go. Add to that one of the worst hangovers I’ve had, which meant staying in bed all day Saturday, and that makes for a bad weekend. So I spent most of this weekend not seeing or talking to anyone. Partying doesn’t really count, it doesn’t feel that social. I’ve put it together that when I lack human contact and have nothing to do but homework, I can end up going fairly insane. I end up hating everything about my life, and longing for the days when I was nothing but positive and couldn’t understand how anyone could be in a bad mood. I’ve also put it together that those were days when I was in constant contact with friends, family and, dare I say it, customers. People make me happy, I can’t live without them, even when some piss me off. For me it’s not about getting attention, it’s about giving it, and getting the feedback from that.

Now that I’ve seen my best friend off at the airport, probably to be rarely heard from for four months, I’m definitely friend-poor. I’m sort of alone in a house where I have 6 roommates. Everyone’s busy and I’m not. I don’t have a job, and I should, and I don’t struggle with coursework. I hate these moods, they make me cry on the bus.

I can only check my facebook so many times before I figure I have to get on with it. I’m looking for a summer job, and writing cover letters are the worst worst part for me. I mean, I’m glad I’m not stuck in the same job, and that I have all these options open to me, I just hate writing about how fan-fucking-tastic I really am, and how they should hire me. I’m so restless at the moment. If had any food in my cupboards I would have eaten it all. I’m not kidding. I had a sidekick for lunch, (almost had microwave popcorn) and am contemplating (more) toast and peanut butter. My mom would freak if she knew how I’m eating. hah. I think I need a nap. I probably won’t. I need to write some things out, but not here, because I’d come across all mental, and people would worry. I’ll let you know what my conclusions are, no worries.

At least for the moment. And why I’m happy when I woke up at 6AM is beyond me. Apparently my body doesn’t appreciate more than 8 hours of sleep, plus a circuit had blown (surprise!) leaving me without heaters, so I was a little chilled. I’m going to try not and question my happiness too much, and just try and enjoy it while it lasts. I have plenty to worry about, but I’m choosing not to for the time being. Some of that will catch up with me, as in I will have shown a lack of concern for some troubling circumstances that should bother me but don’t. I couldn’t be assed to be worried about crap that is neither my fault nor problem in the end. Maybe I shouldn’t exclude myself of culpability entirely, but seriously, I don’t think I’m to blame for what other people do…

Well, off to spend the day at the Dafoe Starbucks intermittently doing work and checking my facebook.

____

Er, scratch the Starbucks idea, always too busy on weekdays It looks like Christmas outside…

I actually tensed up, and put my hands over my face when I clicked send on that email that I just wrote. I was asking for my last year’s summer job back. Chances are it’s mine, I’m not too worried, and if I don’t get it, that’s something completely else. It’s just that last summer, contract in hand, I swore I’d never be back. But now, due to some…I don’t know, just how things worked out, this is the best option for me. I won’t be missing out on a whole lot in the city, and I’m still going to be coming in for some fun stuff, it’s just that it’s one more thing, it’s another thing I’ve given up on. I seem to choose whatever’s easiest, and every time I do, part of me loses hope, or to be cliché, I die a little inside.

I don’t know what’s at the heart of it, believe me, I’ve tried to figure it out. A little fear of future career hatred, a little fear of getting old before my career starts, a fear of getting stuck somewhere where I don’t want to be. It’s just so crap cuz I’m so stuck. It’s not like I’m stuck in a cool city, whilst hating Canada, I’m stuck in small town Canada which may as well be small town midwest United States, whilst hating this fine country. I am beginning to think that the long painful process that is doing my designation elsewhere could be worth every sacrifice…

(prepare yourselves for a long vent)

And I guess on this timeline, it happened all on schedule. It’s all crashed. I don’t have much time, in the near future, to decide where my life is going in the next few years. And action will result in one thing, passivity in another. I know I usually choose passivity…going along with what I’ve chosen before, getting the most out of actions I’ve taken in the past. It’s so hard to start again and start something new. For me anyway. So. This time, it came down to reality. The real-est kind. I was checking my…financial situation as a sort of reality check. (thank god I had finished my intended homework at this point, kind of lost concentration after) Like what am I actually free to do with my life at this point? Can I realistically take time off school? Can I even stay in the city and work this summer? Can I go one more week without work? (I really shouldn’t) Everything became a resounding no. And I used to worry about money a lot, now I don’t really. I just get depressed as the amount of my student loan will balloon to the price of luxury vehicle by the time I’m out. So now, I’ve been giving myself the “no” to all of the things that I thought would make me happiest, because I’m afraid of more debt? That’s just crap, but it’s also practical. I cannot take a year off school, I cannot stay in the city (I don’t think), I NEED a job now, I can’t go to England in the summer (probably), and I won’t be seeing some people for ages. It hit me, I’m TRAPPED here.

And I’ve come to voice, as I’ve long thought, that my anxiety of leaving England, not being able to live there, not being able to go back, at least practically, has most to do with not wanting to be forgotten, not wanting to forget how to live like I did there. That also means I’ve forgotten myself, forgotten my friends here, forgotten what used to make me happy. I dread to admit that I think I’m going to have to start taking responsibility for my own happiness, and not waiting for something nice to happen to me instead. Goddamn reality. Let’s hope this works, I’m almost out of tissues.