Much Farther To Go

I think I became a business student because I knew that pretty much no matter what, there’d be employment for me when I was done. I hated debt when I was young, so it was a huge deal for me to get my bank loan to go to school, I spent a lot of time worrying about money in my first year (and here I am…with four times as much debt..woo!) Then I found out about accounting designations and, fuck, I’m set. I never really stopped to consider what I’d have enjoyed doing though. And it’s all catching up with me at once. I know I can do my CA cuz I’m completely competent and up for it, I just don’t know if I’ll particularly like training for it. So, I find myself here, in a city I don’t like, going to school for something I’m not too keen on at the moment, and with no social life whatsoever. I don’t really like when people have asked me what I’ve been up to lately, because I blank, and it’s not cuz I can’t think of what I have been up to. It’s honestly been…finding tv to watch online in between homework here and there, occasionally visiting the gym, classes…and seeing a friend or two somewhere in there. Sad, I am all too aware.

Anyway, I have had to come to the conclusion that…I’m stuck here. I will stay living here until my degree is finished (yesterday I was already in Germany, in my head…) thank god only one more year, only 7 more classes. I don’t know what I thought my life would look like now back when I was a first year. I was definitely someone else back then. Today during class I was trying to put this all together. Am I moving out, or am I not? Am I moving home for the summer, in which case I need to get my act together? Am I then going to visit England, and really why, for how long, and what for? Will I go to Germany for a year? (this would involve probably having to go back to church, ugh, for the time being) Will I be okay with putting off my degree for another year? Can I handle this year in Europe? Will life go on without me? Half of my anxiety, like ever, has had to do with missing out on things because of choosing one life over another. I hate that I’m so lazy and always seem to follow the path of least resistance. So, I dared dream that I could leave and say fuck you to school for a while. All these questions were actually starting to make me dizzy, maybe it was the circularity of it all. So many what ifs. But then I actually had some real human interaction…don’t actually get much of that lately, and some honest feedback, and I’m back to earth. I was made to realize that I’m SO close to finishing, my friends here do love me, and everything will still be where I left it in a year or two. And you know what? I hate Winnipeg a little less.

other wisdom imparted by my finance prof today includes…let me get my ‘notes’…um, Safeway sells bagels (and that some how indicts them, at least partially, for the downfall of the once epic Canadian bagel shop). Also, when there are advantages, there are disadvantages. I mumble to myself angrily the whole class. All the while doing a sudoku. I don’t know if I’m extra bitchy lately or what exactly, I just can’t tolerate ineptitude in so called professors. *sigh* /rant

Better than ranting about my own life, I think. But here we go anyway…Every piece of my life is somehow floating above my head. Where will I work? Where will I live? Who with? Moving home? (say it ain’t so…) Back to Plym and Europe for a bit this summer? A year in Germany mebbe? I try not to think too hard about any of them, or put any hope on anything, cuz in the end, I still have no idea what’ll make me happiest.

I vaguely remember setting out to do a lot more with my day than I actually did. Might have been the sleeping until 1 that did my day in. But even when I packed up my stuff at 5:30 and drove down to the library (really, I’ll take any excuse to drive) I had some high expectations. I was going to do the Ethics assignment, some accounting questions, write in my journal, write a to-do list (which I have cleverly called the “get your life fucking sorted” to-do list), and just generally think. Unfortunately, the only thing I accomplished was the assignment (pressure! due in less than 12 hours!) and got some inspiration to write this. I guess I could blame it on facebook, but that’s not altogether fair either. I’m just a distractable person. I need structure, organization, and NO shiny objects around me. After a while, everything starts to look shiny.

I may have been avoiding writing in here lately because, well, I don’t have the audience I used to, which I am so okay with, and there is just SO much more going on with me that I could ever properly express. It’s more than just this, but, since getting back from England, all I am is miserable. Inwardly, anyway. I’ve been more honest lately. When people ask me how I like being back, I honestly say I hate it, and I’m unhappy here. But what am I supposed to do? At the moment, for at least a year or more, I’m powerless, and I think that might be what bothers me most. Not only do I not want to be here, there’s nothing I can do about it. And, as you can tell, I’m not making the choice to be happy. And that doesn’t bother me. Does it make sense that I’m okay with being unhappy? I may just have lowered expectations of this place.

Anyway, I’ll write more tomorrow, before I further depress myself. Oh, and this livejournal site has made me smile, and even cry, today so, if you need some cheering up, just remember nice things people have said to you.

Well, I have new shoes. They’re nothing special. But they were cheap! Yay for spring sales. Unfortunately, it’s only January 27. At least two full months until the weather will start to show signs of being kind. Although, today it was only -8. Which I found to be pretty balmy. Strange what you can get used to. My room though, seems to hover around the same temperature. Which at first I was fine with, the frozen nights, cold tipped nose, but now I find myself a little resentful, and that’s good! Mostly because I was trying too hard to be okay with my life right now. There’s no reason why I have to accept the way things are going.

I’ve been in the library for say…three hours now? Only had two teas and an oat fudge square from the ‘bucks, not bad. But I’ve only accomplished the Chapter 13 questions, for which I had one eye on the answers the entire time. It’s mostly bullshit anyway, we’re supposed to do questions that the chapter doesn’t teach how to answer. Whatever, such is the life of an accountant in training.

Having a camera on my cellphone is still quite a novelty for me, so I pretty much take random pictures like this all the time…it’s my nalgene in a school cafeteria. good times.

Alright then. I just opened my macbook for the third time since telling myself I was going to sleep now. I didn’t think much at all this weekend, and really not a lot these past two weeks anyway, and the night seems to be the time when it all wants to come out.

I used to have this theory of sorts, or maybe just a comforting thought, that only a certain amount of bad things can happen to you before it all turns around, and something nice happens, something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning. Well, it’s been a while now, really. And, I’m okay. I’m not not okay. Bad things do keep happening. And I’ve gotten to the point where I just need something good to happen, something to make sense in my life. At the moment I’m just going through what I’ve planned for myself. I was registered in these classes ages ago, so I must attend them. I set out to get a major in accounting years ago, so I guess I should finish that. But, what if I just don’t feel like it anymore. And what if I don’t know if I’ll feel that way forever? I can’t just walk away from a career decision before it’s even happened. I know I’m going to have to love this if I want to go through with the whole thing. I don’t know if I can love it here, though. But lately everything seems to require a whole lot of effort. Not a lot of people know how I feel, and that’s okay. If you go through your life never telling anyone the truth about your unhappiness, and it goes away, and you hardly remember it, did the unhappiness ever happen?

I changed, a lot, when I lived in England. But it feels like everything, and everyone here, stayed the same. Which is sort of disappointing, but I’m sure they’ll have their time to experience things and change, too. And I don’t feel like I’ve left them behind, I feel like I’ve been left behind, even though that is so not the case.

Can something genuinely nice just happen to me now, please?