Much Farther To Go

Really, I should be freaking out about not having studied a whole lot for my equities or ethics exams (not enough, anyway) but I’m not. Not because I’m calm and collected, but because I’m not happy. Yes, there’s an undercurrent of uber excitement regarding my new job and house and summer and everything, but. I just…want what I can’t have. And what’s frustrating is that I don’t know the level of impossibility that it sits at. It’s not like a job that’s possible for someone like me. Or being unhappy because my room is crap. I should realize that all this -feeling- about it, gets me nowhere, and it’s time to stop crying into my coffee. I’m hoping I’m just over-tired and kind of stressed because of this crap weekend of exams and the pressure of it all. Well, back to play ‘the game’ I suppose. Wish me luck.

Well, I’ve been studying for a few days straight now (er, job interview, re-visiting job place, facebook, coffee and bad girls breaks notwithstanding). And now I’m giving up for the night, because I’ve struggled to get anywhere with this retarded ethics studying (and I feel justified using that word because one of the articles from the 50’s used it non-ironically) and have spent a while on msn now, which has given me a bit of a headache. Sometimes I just don’t know where my head is at, or where it’s going.

But I care a little less now, because, big news, I have A Job. Yes, a proper Job. Well, maybe not proper cuz it’s still a summer student job. But I am faaairly proud of myself. Thank god for FSWEP. All those interviews and subsequent disappointments. I hate to say it, but they were worth getting to this point. I didn’t have a claim on any of those jobs. I just saw they were advertised, and went for ‘em. If anything, I got a lot lot of interview experience, and some feedback, when I remembered to ask for it. And voila, I am now an employee of the federal government. (can i get a woot?) And they told me my last employer gave me a great reference, which made my day even further. (don’t know if it actually mattered to my job-getting, I wrote their test, I answered their questions perfectly!) I arrived home to a message from the…second last? I believe, place to reject me. To do with a job ‘opportunity’. I am further self-satisfied. I move in a week. I am quite keen on the halved rent, the walls and door, all of it. (and the halved number of roomies, still love you kids)

So, I kind of do this thing, sometimes, when I’m desperate, to calm my head. I bargain with God. Yeah, the dude I’m not sure listens to me. I don’t know why I do it, I’ve always done it. So, Jen got the job, I think this means Jen’s going to church this Sunday. Funniest thought that when through my head about that? Oh! I’ll buy a new outfit! So this bargaining makes me feel like now I’ve done all I can, I relax a little, let fate work it’s magic, because there’s nothing more i can do. Not that my little mental blip was -something- but it eases my mind. I was having deeper thoughts about this earlier, but my mental state is NOT 100% at the moment. I cannot WAIT until Saturday, depending on what happens, I think God’ll forgive me if I can’t get out of bed Sunday and leave it til the next weekend

(is what i’m ’studying’)

This has been a long time in coming, but, my ipod earbuds have finally kicked it. Well, they kicked it almost a week ago. I have another set because I saw this coming, but they’re in my car (I think). My car has this problem that it’s dead and I usually only use my command start (non functioning) to lock and unlock. My keys don’t work in that case. So, when I do get around to having someone boost it, I’m going to have to climb through the trunk. Just like old times! Long story to tell you that I haven’t been listening to my ipod on the bus or listening to music at school while I study. [More...] The bus thing is interesting. Really, I could start a blog with the things I encounter. Or just make random lists. I had my first Mormon encounter the other day on way back from outerspace for that interview. Not a personal encounter, thank god. I didn’t notice they were seated behind me until a guy asked them if they were the guys who wrote that book, you know, the Book of Mormon. This guy was I believe mentally challenged (is that the current correct way?), looked like Filipino maybe, but had an accent like a purebred menno. He goes on and on asking them questions about the Bible, having nothing to do with Mormonism (hehe) and then this other dude who was leaving the bus made some comment about how nice it was to hear “such nice talk.” Holy jesus. Religious talk is nice? first i’ve heard. Sounds like something my mother/grandma/aunt’d say. What about it is nice??? I suppose the educational part is alright, but just because you hear the words mary and jesus doesn’t make….urgh, nevermind. Whatever, I won’t take that farther.

Ugh, then there’s the complete douche bag that got on the 16 at the same time as I did. (I think one of my earbuds was still working at this point) Anyway, I saw he had drumsticks so I knew this was going to be trouble. For the entire journey (approx 40 min (!) ) He had his walkman (oh yes, cassette tape and all) at full blast and he was tapping his feet and air drumming. I definitely have something against foot tapping in an otherwise quiet environment. Living in the basement of a house that contains a drummer may have something to do with it… If I further describe his outfit I’m just going to get emotional and rant about leather jackets…but I digress…

I’m just trying to be happy the sun is shining. I’m in the library with no music, attempting studying, which is going okay, I’m just not overly overly organized. I feel okay about exams, I feel okay about the summer even though I don’t have everything sorted. I know where I’m moving to now and I suppose that that’s something. It’s just everything after the end of next year I don’t feel settled about. The thought that’s on my mind constantly is that I still don’t know where I’m supposed to be. I know where’s most comfortable, but comfortable is BORING. Been there, done that. Have you got anything else?

I feel like I’ve traveled around the world today. I’ve spent probably 2 hours total on the bus today (and I might go out again yet today, whew). I’ve been rejected from another job. Had another interview though too. Nicest one so far though. And it looks likely. Looks like a nice place, it’s just…probably not challenging (data-entry?? me??), probably less pay (it’s a non-profit), and it’s FAR AWAY. Compounded by the fact that I’m moving even farther south, this place is north of the north end. Argh. I’ve considered getting a bike and doing the 40km return everyday. Is that insane? But I’ve also got an interview on Monday that I really really really really want. Badly. Can you tell? Read the rest of this entry »

1. Go to www.flickr.com
2. Type in your answer to the question in the “search” box
3. Use only the first page
4. Copy the html and paste for the answer.

1. What is your first name?

2. What is your favorite food?

3. What school did you go to?

4. What is your favorite color?

5. Who is your celebrity crush?

6. Who is your favorite Disney princess?

7. What is your favorite drink?

8. What is your dream vacation?

9. What is your favorite dessert?

10. What do you want to be when you grow up?

11. What do you love most in life?

12. What is one word that describes you?

13. What do you dream about?

It’s a combination of stress, low blood sugar, idleness and…crying my face off. Maybe not a lot of stress. But my body wanted to go to the gym today and I refused. My headache prevents me from feeling bad about it. So, I was going to move my room around today, like when I was little, I’d just move my bed to the other side of the room or something. Then I saw exactly why my dad had put my bed where he did in the first place, in January. There’s a wood-thing protruding from the wall under where my bed is. I figured, no worries, but I wanted to have a look at it. I grabbed the corner of the particular patch of carpet between my thumb and forefinger and lightly pulled back. And yelped, or screamed, or sobbed. I don’t remember which first at this point. A veritable swarm of…slow moving insects. I have NO clue what kind they were. I had only seen one before in my room and had counted myself lucky that I was in a shithole basement yet had only encountered one little bug. Anyway, luckily I had the vacuum cleaner next to me and I’ll be damned if there are any left, in that area anyway. I also vacuumed up the moist gravel around the base of this wood block. Yes, that’s right, moisture. Hello, cause of three month ‘cold.’ It was then I had decided I had enough, I had put up with ENOUGH. I resolve to not remember ANYTHING about this semester. Besides of course, calculating future income tax liabilities. So I kept the vacuum on and made some noise of my own. I don’t care if nothing’s for sure yet. I’m getting the fuck out of here.

is how i feel, possibly even great. While feeling this way I still can get sad or depressed (and still cry like a nutter waiting for a bus!!) but there’s an underlying feeling of fabulousness.

My social life lately has consisted of: job interviews, the occasional night out, and nights in watching too many episodes of Bad Girls. An all around fab life. I’ve got two interviews set for this week, waiting to hear from two to set interviews, and two more to apply to on my school’s job postings board. Man, I really should never have gotten worried about finding a job. My worry now is them being okay with my wage demands, part-time during school demands, and it being something I like.

The secret to my happiness, believe it or not, has been caring about myself first. I don’t specifically mean by not caring about other people, but by taking care of me, because I’m the only perspective I have, and it only matters what I think. So there! I’ve gotten a little fiesty…

I decided to want less? I don’t really mean, no thanks, I won’t be supersizing that today, or, no I won’t have yet another piece of pizza. Neither do I mean that I’ll pass that shoe store by, even if I have no means to pay the credit card bill. I mean, what if I took my expectations of life and just brought them down? The very thought is so painful. I don’t know what it would mean to me. I don’t like that my life doesn’t seem to be going like I want it to. I’m probably being a bit pessimistic, but even in my daydreams of the future, things aren’t working out. Well, that may be me being realistic. And yes, everytime someone calls me negative I say I’m being realistic. It’s true, isn’t it? I would gladly own up to being negative. But I just slowly sigh, and say, that’s life. It is. I think I’m pretty optimistic! Or at least, I think I used to be. Now there’s almost nothing that doesn’t give me that slow sinky feeling of fear. I’m not actually afraid, you know. I just want something different for my life, and even in my head it doesn’t pan out. I’m not afraid that I won’t get what I want. I’m afraid that I’ll stop caring and slip into a complicit, quiet life.

Anyway, wanting less. If I want less, will I feel less? Will I actually have the need for less? How do I go about this wanting less? Maybe I should just want something else.

I wasn’t going to write tonight. It was probably last on my agenda, after one more episode of Spaced, and my finance homework. But I felt the need to say, to declare it officially, I am a loser. The kind of loser I don’t really mind being. There’s a difference. I live in this little self imposed prison. School, gym, home. And by -home- I mean this desolate little space where cleaning my room resembles the analogy of polishing a turd. The evidence of my devastating Saturday are all around. Half empty bottle of wine, half empty bag of crisps, over half gone chocolate bar. (I never do chocolate half way ) I’ve got many points on facebook games to attest to my homebodied ways. Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve hit close to rock bottom but now i think i’m up again for awhile. That’s all I really want to say about that for now. And, I think no matter what mood I’m in, this video will always make me feel warm and fuzzy and giggly :).